


we were never meant to survive

by fire_ash_rebirth



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Magic As Metaphor For Being Queer, Post-Magic Reveal, Rating For Description Of Imagined Violence, Sort Of, Why Go To Therapy When You Can Project Onto Characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28826850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fire_ash_rebirth/pseuds/fire_ash_rebirth
Summary: “Why didn’t you tell me?” Arthur’s voice was broken in the way that a glass is broken, all jagged edges and sharp pieces that slice your hand when you try to pick them up. Hurt and accusing, all at once.
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 42





	we were never meant to survive

**Author's Note:**

> *slaps roof of BBC's Merlin*  
> This bad boy can fit so much projection in it
> 
> Title from A Litany for Survival, by Audre Lorde.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Arthur’s voice was broken in the way that a glass is broken, all jagged edges and sharp pieces that slice your hand when you try to pick them up. Hurt and accusing, all at once. 

Something deep inside Merlin bristled.“Because it wasn’t safe to tell you! You, who burned those with magic alive as a prince and have given no indication of change since becoming king.” How could mere words convey the pain of having to cut off the very essence of himself, the fear that followed his every footstep and lingered in every moment, the shame of living in a city where those like him were decried from the cobblestones of the marketplace to the gold and marble of the throne room as vile, unnatural, despicable, inhuman. 

“But you never asked!” If Arthur’s words hadn’t hurt so much, Merlin would have laughed. Instead, the sound caught in his throat and stuck there, snaggled and suffocating as Arthur continued. “If you’d ever asked me what I thought, I would have told you. You say I’ve given no indication of change, but you haven’t given me that chance!”

“Every word that has ever left your mouth, every decision you have ever made, was a chance for you to show me where you stood,” Merlin shot back. “And everything I heard, everything I saw, told me you were unsafe. Reminded me to shut my mouth and put my head down. To hide myself beneath my skin until there was some sign it was safe to come out. And I have yet to see such a sign from you.”

Arthur spread his hands, the light from the hearth fire glinting off his rings in much the same way Merlin imagined light from a pyre would glint off of chains. “How could I have known you were looking for a sign like that? You can’t expect me to know those things unless you tell me.” 

He sounded genuinely confused, which almost made it worse. For all his so-called nobility and honor, Arthur was still a child expecting the world to be handed to him on a silver platter. Merlin wondered if it should not be such an unreasonable expectation of the king to extend basic empathy to others without needing prompting. 

Anger, pain, and despair warred in his chest, a writing mass that threatened to steal his breath and crush his ribs and break his heart. Merlin wanted nothing more than to disappear forever, or to break into tears, or to throw things at Arthur, or maybe all three at once. But even stronger was the understanding that this was a tipping point for him, for Arthur, for the kingdom. What he said would have irreparable effects on Arthur’s relationship to magic, impacting the safety of every magic user in the kingdom. The responsibility weighed heavy on his shoulders and more than anything else, Merlin was tired.

“You can’t one day decide ‘oh I don’t hate magic now’ but keep acting like you always have and expect everyone to catch on. No one should have to tell you that they’re looking for a sign of change. Your behavior should reflect your beliefs, and if you truly have changed as you claim, that should be reflected in your actions and your words. The only way I—or anyone else for that matter—would be able to know that you have changed what you believe is by an observable change in your behavior.” 

Merlin thought for a moment, then decided that if he was to be executed anyway, he might as well speak his mind. “I don’t think you understand how risky it is, to just exist as someone with magic in Camelot. Every person I ever meet, I am constantly on guard, trying to determine how safe they are, how much of myself I can safely show them, wondering how long they’d hesitate before turning me in to be executed if they found out. Every time I pass a guard, the ones I should be able to trust for my protection, I wonder how much pleasure they would take in carrying out my execution, if they would smile at my screams as my head rolled or my flesh burned.”

As he spoke, Merlin kept his eyes fixed on the fire as it crackled and danced. He tried not to imagine how it would feel engulfing him, tried not to wonder how long he would feel it cooking and charring his flesh before he lost feeling. “I can’t get too close with others for fear that if one of us was discovered, all of us would be under investigation. I cannot learn their names or give them mine in case one of us is tortured for information. I have had to look you and countless others in the eye and denounce myself and my community. I have worked and fought and bled and sacrificed more than I care to think about for a kingdom that hates everything that I am. And I am not the only one.”

The ache in his chest had numbed, pain and anger replaced with a cold determination. His own demise was a foregone conclusion at this point, and Merlin’s only thought was of his people. He did not know if Arthur would listen to him, if it would make any difference, but he had to try. “Those with magic are still your people, they are still citizens of Camelot and they do more for you than you will ever know. You are still their king and you are duty bound to protect them.” And when Merlin tore his eyes from the fire to look at his king, Arthur could see that his eyes were gold. 


End file.
